As parents trying to get kids to behave, we are often like mechanics trying to tune up a car engine — without the proper tools. We parents are headed toward a similar destination, raising responsible kids who own and solve their own problems. Or, at least that should be the goal of all parents. That not being the goal of some parent is what is causing a lot of the problems with society today.
In my journey with my own children, I have learned a great deal about parenting, children, and life. My children have taught me a great deal.
A book that my children’s physical therapist had told me about has helped my parenting techniqes tremendously. The book is Tickets to Success by Jim Fay. I love how he uses humor and great life examples to make his points.
In the introduction, Jim Fay talks about how we as adults make decisions by collecting data and weighing the alternatives — both of these steps are unseen by our children because it is hidden between our ears. We then weight the alternatives against consequences another step our children do not see. After that step, we put a price tag on our decision determining which alternative we can afford physically, emotionally, and financially. When, at last, we have made our decision, we open our mouths and announce it. That decision is all our children get to see.
He believes that in giving children experience in making their own decisions that their mistakes or misbehavior can provide tickets to success. As a school principal for 17 years, Jim Fay gained much insight into children’s behaviors.
One of the examples that really hit home for me was when he said that the most responsible children he ever saw in his life were when he was principal at an inner-city school. He said those children would wake up without alarm clocks, without their parents to help them get to school for breakfast. As he stated, those children knew that if they didn’t, they missed getting breakfast. They never missed the bus if it was going somewhere they wanted to go.
Furthermore, he said the most irresponsible children were when he was principal at an upper-middle-class suburban school. The first day of school half went to the office to use the phone to call home about something they had forgotten and needed their parents to bring them. Moments later, that parent would bring whatever it was that the child had forgotten. These children’s parents were constantly “rescuing” them from any problem they encountered.
The “rescuing” children from their mistakes is the very basis for this book. By constantly “rescuing” our children each time they make a mistake or forget something, we are depriving them of their opportunities to learn responsibility.
Jim Fay made a rule for use of the office phone. He announced that the children could use the phone any time, with only one restriction: They could not use the phone to make a problem for anybody else.
This book is a very good read. It certainly brings to light how our rescuing our children actually hurts more than it helps. It totally changed my way of thinking and we have seen amazing improvements in our children’s responsibility. I highly recommend it along with other books by Jim Fay. Watch for my reviews on his other books I have read. These are must reads!!!